March 2004

             Capt John Jackson, Iraq

I had a pretty tragic moment there. I was visiting one of the Port-a-John, as I skipped the MRE's, and had a blue water splash back. It only took 10 hours to resuscitate me. However, I still have nightmares of the water and get chills every time I walk by one. The commander of the base agreed to give me a purple heart for it. He's pretty hilarious. I went to formally report to him when I arrived. He says, "how the fuck are you?" "Well sir, all things considered, things could be a lot fucking worse". Being brotherin of the foul mouth, we got along famously.
Later there was a Sergeant giving me the tour and he asked what I thought. "well sergeant, I think you have a real shithole here." He looked so hurt, "oh sir, its not that bad." I started to feel bad for him and said, "no it really is, its the biggest shithole in Iraq and there are alot of shitholes over here." He began to cry. So to console him I said, "look sergeant, you should spruce it up. You know, put a couple of ferns here and some flowers there. Then you'd have a shithole with ferns and flowers." He ran away and hid under his blanket for the rest of my time in camp.

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             Go see Dawn of the Dead! It is fantastic. Action, action, action... and funny. Go see Dawn of the Dead, and don't forget your shotgun!

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             It has been said that it is easy to find companies that are willing to sell you Nehi grape on the internet.That is true,however it is not so simple to cpmplete the transaction and actually get the soda to your home.In my original search for the beverage in question I found not one but between 5 and 10 online merchants willing to sell me Nehi grape.Four or five of these were legit enough looking that I tried to buy the soda from them, all to no avail.I placed no less than three orders in A period of 24hrs and never heard anything back.Ever.I atempted to contact these companies to find out what had become of my orders.Never talked to anyone.Never got an email.Never got A call back.I wanted to give these people my money.They weren't having it.Neither was I evidently.What the hell is the deal.I challenge anyone to go online and purchase Nehi grape and successfully get it delivered to your house.If you are successful in this endeavour please contact me or the monkey and we will be happy to relay your story here on the LoCG news board.

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             I sat for my Teletubby exam at www.valvigirl.net/quizzes/teletubbies.html

The result: I am Tinky Winky

TINKY WINKY, TINKY WINKY, TINKY WINKY!

This has little to do with the Legend of Crazy George, unless I can get the rights to use Tinky Winky in Legend of Crazy Geo II - then watch out baby.

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             Wasn't a big MeatLoaf fan, but I've got to give up props to the Meat.

The first day I met him,
A. He wasn't feeling too hot (bad Chinese food) and
B. He was on a "Vocal Rest Day" - he wasn't supposed to be talking at all. He explained this as we waited in the van outside the supermarket in silence, well semi-silence, cause I couldn't fucking stand it, so I gave him the Monkey card & started telling him about the movie & he should go to the website & we're entering it into festivals & blah, blah, while he nodded enthusiasticlly. he finally broke in: "I got my start in film actually" Really? sez I, knowing I've seen him in a half-dozen, but couldn't name them if i tried. he held up both hands with four fingers to indicate how many films he had been in. 4? shaking his head, no. 8? no. 40? as he is now desperately flashing his fingers. 44? relieved, finally YES! 44 films? no fucking way, dude.
Way.
So now my respect for the Meat (they actually call him "meat") expands hundredfold. We continued our one-way chat for another 5 minutes or so, till his girlfriend & the tour manager came out with the goods. "home james"

The next day was the show, & I drove Meat from his dressing room to the back of the stage (around the back of the stadium) when he jumped in the van he goes: "Hey man, I can talk to you now!" excitedly & loudly (I soon realised he was loaded) "I felt so bad yesterday not being able to talk to you." Then he said something about Jewish guilt. When he saw the crowd (17,000) looming over the stage he said "oh my God, that's scary." What's your name again he said? McCaleb. "Yeah, McCaleb! I knew it was something weird... I don't mean weird, I mean different, my name is weird." Well thanks McCaleb, wish me luck." I told him to have a good time, Meat & remember: MEAT MAKES MIGHT. he laughed & shook my hand & said thanks again.

Then he went out & laid it all out on the stage. His last show of his last world tour. He was very emotional, & he really pushed himself physically. His voice isn't all it used to be, but he really belted it out, Not being a big fan, I still found myself singing along to no less than half a dozen songs and mysteriously, I knew all the words.

After the show he was completely exhausted. Breathing heaviliy taking oxygen, his handlers in a panic, they had an ambulance follow my van just in case. (Meat collapsed onstage in November, he has a heart condition)

He rested for 45 minutes before we went back to the hotel, then he still wanted to talk about the movie. (Where was I from, I have the strangest accent, I thought you said you shot the movie in TN but half the time you sound like a Kiwi.) What's it shot on? DV. I have a friend that shot on DV, it makes great prints to 35mm. He wished us Luck (We'll need it) and I congratulated him on a great show, have a safe trip home.

MEAT MAKES MIGHT

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             Capt John Jackson, Iraq

We have and interesting development here. There is a rec. tent that some aviators are having to leave. Being my social self, I started up a conversation. "Sooo, you can't take your tent, huh? Well my friends and I would be happy to take it off your hands." Well as it turns out. We are taking it off their hands. Well it wasn't quite that easy but I did manage to make it ours. This is no ordinary tent. It has 10 internet hook-ups, a TV, DVD player, PS2 with 120 bootleg games, a bar, fridge, and foosball table. We also will get the pool table if we move it in. You're saying to yourself now, "he's bullshitting and there is a joke coming." Nope. We are going to have it open 12- 14 hrs a day. We figure there is a lot of folks that may like to talk with us but don't want to go to see the shrinks. So now I have a bar in Iraq, where the average GI can get some bar room therapy. As many of you know, owning a bar has been my life long dream. I just hoped that it would be in a better location and I would have preferred to serve real beer. Instead of that N/A shit I have. But it's a start. I've already sent an email to Mike Keith, The Voice of The Titans, to see if he can send us some Titans stuff (posters, banners, or any other shwagg) Now all I have to do is fly Sam and Marcus over so I have some regulars/partners and I'll be kicking it in. It really is pretty cool.. Also if any of you have gag gifts send them to me. We'll be having weekly pool, dart, or foosball tournaments and I'd love to give away some silly shit. Also x-mas lights would be cool.

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             Driving down Willow Ave I passed one of my favorite landmarks: the Army Navy Store Missle. Standing in front of the store was Matt Griffey dressed in 3 different types of camo, wearing a jungle hat and smoking. In the course of my interigation I discovered that Matt has cut his hair. He looks like he wants to get a job at a bank. I advocate a boycott of Matt untill he grows his hair back. I suspect a woman is involved. All members of the Fright Factory and the Legend of Crazy George are authorised to give Matt the treatment.

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             So, I'm driving Meat Loaf around CHCH for a few days, as he's in town to play Jade Stadium with the Auckland Philharmonic Orchestra.

I remember Maynard from Perfect Circle saw the MeatLoaf posters & said "hey I've got some good news for Jordie & James..."

The posters read LAST WORLD TOUR.

Spoke with Adam last night, he's looking forward to being single no more (April 9th) and asked me why the Monkey didn't RSVP?

Cause he's the Monkey.

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             This page takes AGES to load, but it's funny.

NERDYSOUTH.COM

also got email from Mark @ MAKE MARK'S MOVIE.COM

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             tLoCG has now been submitted to the Incredibly Strange Film Festival for consideration, thanks to our friends @ Rialto Entertainment.

Fingers Crossed.

Also, David Turner, Production Designer of Shortland Street(and art director for Peter Jackson's film Heavenly Creatures) is taking a look and pointing us in (the right direction?) Cheers, mate.


Michael McDonnell of the NZ Film Festival will be getting his copy in the mail this week as well.

Censorship: Regrettably, all films screened in the Festival must be classified by New Zealand film censorship authorities. The Festival will meet all censorship charges and associated costs. Although Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer was banned in 1992, the censor has only once requested cuts to any film submitted by the Festival since 1976. In the unlikely event of any such request from the censor in the future, the final decision will rest with the filmmaker or the filmmaker's nominated representative who will be given the opportunity to withdraw the film from the Festival.

That's good to know.



Our mate Sandy's Cassell's brother knows Sam Neil & she's coming over today to get her preview copy to give to
Huntaway Films

So who else is ready to see their own personal copy of the LEGEND of CRAZY GEORGE?

And who ate their WeetBix for breakfast?

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             I regret to report I am forced to put my Nehi Grape Conspiracy on hold while I deal with bigger issues like getting the Legend of Crazy George Distributed, doing foreclosure work in Jackson Co. “unarmed”, changing my daughter’s diapers unarmed, and writing the Legend of Crazy George II - which is already way better than CGI. Part of the reason CGII will be better will be because friends in the military who are giving me advise, stories, and some of whom may appear in the film – provided I can get them a nude love scene or a case of beer – which leads me to Capt John Jackson. I’m getting regular E-mails from Capt J. and wasn’t he ready to go when his number was called. This man can pop the cap off a beer bottle at 200 meters, but only if you promised he could drink it. The only man I know who can do better is Crazy George. The following is part of Capt J’s e-mail to me.
“Well I've moved. I was in Kuwait (no can u?) but I have since flown north. Wow, what a ride. The landing was like being on the tilt-a-whirl and a roller coaster at the same time. We rode on a C130 which is a 4 prop cargo plane. I could barely see out a port window. It was quite disorienting but kind of fun. Iraq is pretty freaking dusty. By the time you walk from the shower to your tent you already feel dirty. (and not in a good way). It amazes me that every move, it seems that they are determined to squeeze more people in a tent. In Wisconsin it was probably 20, Kuwait up to 40 or so, and here they have a giant tent with double beds. I bet I could sleep 100. However, there's probably not more then 50 in there now. Now that I'm here I get to wait some more. I'm waiting on my mission. This is when they will tell me where I will be stationed. Then I will move to get to work and wait out the remainder of my time. I have been re-united with Eduardo. We started causing trouble the instant we were together. This really picked up my mood. Its pretty amazing how many army folks we are able to offend. People that can live under pretty harsh conditions are finding us unbearable. All I can say, war is hell. Unfortunately, our reunification will be brief. Once I get my mission we will probably not see each other until we get back to the states. Well, tomorrow is my birthday. Not too many people get to travel to such an exotic location for their birthdays. A couple of us are going to drink near beer and smoke Cubans. (and some cigars too). Yes, Dr. T you heard me right, Cubans, baby. The locals are allowed to come on base and sell their wares. This includes rugs, Cubans, and a lot of shit you might find at Stucky’s. I'm thinking of collecting the whole set of OIF collector spoons.
On a more serious note, I've been hearing that there is a lot of work here for me. The mortars have defiantly have not stopped and there are some pretty freaked out kids here. For all the bitching that I've done up to now, I am looking forward to trying to help them.
Well my time at this computer is running out.

If you come upon a soldier who has just enough for himself (of what ever), you, with out fail get, "you want some?" Its not an empty gesture. These folks take care of one another. I'm amazed on a daily basis. The most caring are those with the toughest jobs. The exceptions appear to be paper pushers and sissy doctors. (I guess I can't stay serious) So I don't plan to stop taking bites on the Army and making fun of the absurd I just want you to know I do so with the utmost, respect of those who were here before me and those around me. On to the Iraqi's. These folks appear to be a hard working appreciative bunch. (those without guns, anyway) They light up if you give them a smile and you can see the appreciation from them if you give them a little respect and a hand shake. I hope this makes it a better place for them.

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             McCaleb once again has gone above and beyond the call and discovered Nehi held hostage at Popsoda.com. $1.49 per 12oz bottle, this is an outrage! Why for the price of a 6 pack of Nehi a man like Crazy George could buy a suitcase of beer, get real drunk and mount a raid on the Nehi factory - providing they could find its secret location. I believe carpet baggers are to blame - damn greedy Yankees. This consperacy goes to the top I say, the top!

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             Popsoda.com. $1.49US per bottle. No thanks necessary.

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             Gentle Readers beware - the Nehi Conspirators got to McCaleb. You'll note that the Thursday March 4,2004 12:14AM message from McCaleb (below) is titled "Grape Soda". Not a word of his message discusses grape soda - NOT A FUCKING WORD. Now I've been friends with McCaleb since the day they drove old Dixie down and I do know he is a drink snob. He pounds down those $3 "V" energy sodas -with a bottle not big enough to hold a piss. McCaleb won't even consider a $0.50 two liter of grape soda. I can also say that McCaleb, snob that he is, would never bad mouth what he considers an inferior beverage, "what's the point" McCaleb would say. So, I believe that the Nehi Conspirators have broken our web page code and altered his message with film talk, but forgot to change the title. I mean do you really believe that the INCREADIBLY STRANGE FILM FESTIVAL exists?

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             This is a national news story in America:

http://www.usatoday.com

Food fight! Melee breaks out at retirement home salad bar
WINTER HAVEN, Fla. (AP) — A dispute at the salad bar turned into a food fracas at an upscale retirement home, with a man taking a bite out of another's arm and other residents suffering minor injuries.

Police said resident Lee Thoss, 62, of the Spring Haven Retirement Community was picking through the lettuce, which disgusted 86-year-old William Hocker, who was standing in line behind him.

Hocker told Thoss no one wanted to eat food he had been playing with. Thoss yelled and cursed at him, Hocker told police, and Hocker called him a nasty name. Then, witnesses said, Thoss then began punching Hocker in the face.

In the buffet melee that followed, Allen Croft, 79, tried to grab Thoss, who bit him on the arm, reports said.

Thoss' mother, Arlene, in her 80s and also a Spring Haven resident, jumped in to break up the fight and ended up with a cut arm. Harry Griffin, 92, was standing at the salad bar and cut his head when he was knocked to the ground.

"All the old folks were either getting up to help or trying to get out of there," police spokesman J.J. Stanton said of the scene last Sunday in the well-appointed dining room, which features an ice cream bar and a pastry chef.

Arlene Thoss, Croft and Griffin were treated at a local hospital and released.

Stanton said all involved declined to press charges, but home administrators have asked Lee Thoss to move out.

GOD BLESS THE USA.!

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             not much new here, but we are busy sending out preview copies to festivals and distributors. If anyone out there knows of anybody we should be sending a copy to, let us know by dropping an email to mccaleb thinkingmonkeythinking.com

Initial reception of the new final cut is very positive (it's just as disturbing as the first) Rialto, NZ won't be showing it in their theatres. "We don't really do cult/horror", but our hopes are up for the INCREDIBLY STRANGE FILM FESTIVAL

Also, just finished a preliminary website for friend/artist Phil Price

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             I have discovered that Nehi has as its mother "RC" Cola. "RC" stands for Royal Crown, as in King George's Royal Crown. I think RC is secretly owned by the British. Perhap, Nehi has been pulled off the market to punish us for getting them into this stupid fucking war in the desert. I can't drink oil, I must have Nehi!

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             About two weeks ago I went to the internet intending to purchase Nehi Grape.My efforts were thwarted.By whom I do not know.I think there is A conspiracy.None of the local markets carry it.I cannot purchase it on the internet, yet I know it exists.Where has all the Nehi Grape gone ?Who holds sway over this beverage.When does the skunkape get tired,and where?Nobody knows.Or do they?

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