April 2004

             Capt. John Jackson, Iraq,

Hey everybody,

Wow, it feels great to be on the snake. Oh man, this place is great. The work load has picked up a bit but it's more like a clinic stateside. This is much better. I'm taking care of folks that have either seen bad things or just never developed coping skills that would make it possible to be here. Trust me it takes all the coping skills you have and if you're a bit deficient then it aint gonna work. Any how, I usually give good news. "well private I got you a bird to Germany tomorrow." Those who stay, usually just needed a couple of days of civilization. So after a couple of days of rest they are doing much better. Oh on top of the work not being so depressing, I haven't had to jump in a bunker yet. Yes, oh yes, not getting mortared, that's for me. I like it pretty good. Oh hell, I guess I could pass on those bastards for life. I bought the mortar patch and mortar gum to help me kick the habit. I'm settling down nicely and am feeling pretty much back to my abnormal self.

Well I had an offer to go to Baghdad for a couple day visit. It would only be a 30 or so minute helicopter ride but my wife and mother vetoed. I just saw our 1st sergeant and he said it may even be safer then here but alas, I will not do any sight seeing in a war zone. It sounded like a good idea for a bit but I guess I'll just focus on getting my ass out of here.

Well Cherry got here today. Man I was starting to get worried about him and Bae. Right after I left the mortars really picked up. He said they were pounding the shit out of them several times a day and in the middle of the night. They blew up one of the mini trailers. Fortunately, it was empty because they were all on duty. He said it totally destroyed it. Shrapnel tore through a couple of the neighboring mini-trailers and hit a couple of folks. They are fine with the worst being a broken leg. That place sucks. It's real good get those 2 here. This place gets hit but its so protected and big I rarely even hear them. The ones I can hear are really far away. Usually, the only way I know that we are getting hit is there is an alarm that sounds. To prove how safe, I was at a movie the other night (yes they have a movie theater) and when I went outside (as nice as it is, you still have to go outside to piss) to take a leak and the alarms were sounding. They didn't even stop the movie or let anyone know. So they aint close, sister. At the horse we didn't have an alarm system. Usually if something blew up, then your are probably getting mortared. Pretty simple.

Julia asked me what a mortar was. So for those who don't know, it is a ball of explosives that some asshole can launch out of a tube and fire it a mile or more away to scare the shit out of a fine soldier like myself. If you watch it on TV they usually have a whistle before they hit. Not so. I don't think I ever heard a whistle. For example, you might be thinking, hmm what magazine do I want to read in the crapper, KAAABOOOM!!!!! Hmm, never mind, where is my helmet, vest, and fresh drawers? Not so much on the whistling. That actually would have been nice to have a bit of warning.

So the mosquitos aren't too bad and they haven't caught one with malaria in county yet. I'm still taking my prophalxis but I'm not too worried. The bigger pain is the sand flea. They call it a flea but it actually flies. These bastards were eating me alive. I probably have 50 bites. They can occasionally carry Leishmoniasis but I don't have any dripping wounds yet so I got that going for me. I also used the past tense on the eating me alive. I was, more or less, sleeping outside with four walls around it. The bugs would come in while I slept. I would spray down with Off before I'd go to sleep. Now, I've moved way up. I got a room in the brick building. I have an air conditioner and, I say, AND, my own internet connection. Holy cow, I'm like George Jefferson, cause I'm movin on up, to a dee-lux apartment in Iraaaqqq. Please sing the last part of that. Man, I can't wait to get home to Wheezy. Oh yeah, I have a bed. A real bed. I went to the PX which had real pillows. Oh man this is nice. Well actually it sucks. It is the worst, best bed I've ever had. I don't remember if I told you about my War Horse bed. Cherry built me one out of 12 sand bags and a board. Instant bed. It kept me off the ground and that's pretty much it. So I will take this lumpy piece of shit and treat it like I'm on bed of feathers. So anyway, there aren't near as many bugs inside, hmm go figure. I'm living like a king here.

Well folks, sorry I haven't emailed sooner. It really is the work load this time but I'll try to drop a line more often. I'm doing MUCH better and am looking forward to getting home.

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             The following is part of a court document signed by 10 Putnam Co. officials on May 15,1924 concerning my great grand father Grover Whitson.

To his Excellency, Governnor Austin Peay,
State Capitol
Nashville, Tennessee.

We the undersigned county officials and citizens of Putnam County, Tennessee, respectfully represent to your excellency that a the last term of the Criminal Court of Putnam County, was indicted by the grand jury of said county on a charge of violating Chapter 12 of the Acts of 1917, known as the Bone Dry Law; that under the advice of the Attorney General and some of his lay friends, he was induced to enter a plea of guilty, with the distinct understanding and agreement from the attorney General that the fine would be remitted, and that he would only have to pay the cost of the cause and under this advice, he entered his plea of guilty, and was fined $100.00 and all cost and taxes.

The circumstances surrounding this particular case were such as did not come within the purview of the statute made and provided against the offenses for which he was charged, and submitted for the reason that he was neither purchaser or seller of the spirit that was found in his custody, but he was out with two of his friends and they purchased, or at least, obtained possession of some whisky, and one of them asked him to carry his overcoat through the field, far from any public place, and they were spied upon by two officers, and were overtaken. At which time they said Whitson was found in the possession of his friend’s overcoat, which pocket contained on-half gallon of spirits, the nature and kind of which he didn’t not at that time know, but the evidence purported to show that it was spirits of frumenty, commonly known as “oil of gladness”

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             A ten-day old marmoset clutches the finger of zoo keeper Manuela Werner in the zoo in Wittenberg, eastern Germany, on Friday, April 23, 2004. The little Red Bellied Tamarin (Sanguinus labiatus) is being hand-fed as his mother rejected him. He gets about 1.5 milliliters of baby food every two hours. (AP Photo/Eckehard Schulz)

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             That Johnny Cash Tribute done with monkeys I told you about is back online:

http://www.apsv04.dsl.pipex.com/desperado.swf

Well worth the price of admission.

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             Who Is Jack Schitt?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt,and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them,she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

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             Its time for the short list of Film Festivals. On the list are Germany, Spain, New Zealand, Austrailia, Canada, the United States, and the Confederate States. Its my aim to have subtitling for all of these countries except the Confederacy where people know what a Skunkape is.

Festivals are being selected based upon how receptive they are to dark comedies and horrors, the dead line for entry, and friends in the area I can mooch off of. (when I mooch I expect the best so look out.)

If you have a suggestion about a film festival or potential mooch victim click on my name in red above to send me an e-mial.

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             Sqt Cherry, Iraq

Hi George

How is you day going so far. Its been a lot of fun working with CPT Jack. He has truely kept me on my toes. The barber thing was out of my control, never let the barber decide what type of hair cut that your going to get, especially when your in another country. But oh yes, I have to make sure that he makes it home the same way that he left. Well in CPT Jacks case almost 20 lbs lighter. Anyone that is with me, they are my responsibility no matter what and I dont like to loose anything especially a life. Plus, I couldn't stand the though of CPT Jack coming over here for 90 days and something happening to him. I just couldn't face Julia if anything like that were to happen. CPT Jack and the rest of my team are like family and we have plans for brighter days to come. Hey take care of yourself and I hope to see you when I come to visit. Thank you for your support.

CHERRY


To write Sgt Cherry: kurtis.cherry@us.army.mil

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             Hey all,

The eagle has landed. I left War Horse yesterday. I was supposed to convoy here today but I had made friends with the pilots and one of them told me about an empty helicopter heading this way. It was a much safer way to travel. The pilots are hilarious. They were a thieving bunch. Anything left outside was fair game. We managed to steal a satellite dish from the folks who left a couple of months ago. While we were searching for someone to set it up the pilots stole it from us. I asked them about it and got, "Oh hell doc, we didn't know it was yours". They were going to give it back but they got it to work so we just let them keep it. They stole it fair and square. The ride here was pretty exciting. They fly pretty aggressively to avoid getting shot down. There were points where I'm sure we were at 90 deg with the ground. It was pretty exciting. Well I made it here safe and sound, however, I don't think I am supposed to tell you where I am but the smart ones are able to tell by my mailing address. (see below) I wouldn't bother mailing me anything at this point. As slow as the mail has been I'll be home when it gets here.


Well I spoke with my wife last night. I let her know how it really was at the other base. I had been minimizing to keep her and mom from worrying. They would have been sick with concern and it wouldn't have helped me and just made them feel like shit. I wanted to wait til I was here before I let them know. I am now really on a very safe base. I now have very little concern about safety. So about War Horse (AKA Mortar Horse) I learned its nickname as I was convoying to it about 7 weeks ago. It wasn't near as safe as I lead on. They pounded the shit out of us with mortars and rockets. We had around 45 mortars and a handful of rockets hit the post over about a week's time. Hell they hit us with a couple of rockets an mortars Tuesday night. The first time they hit us, we were in the dining facility and one hit 100 or so meters from us. It would have been the jackpot for them. It was pretty nerve racking. They would start hitting and once I scrambled into a bunker I could only sit and think about my family. Thought about how hard it would be on them if one got lucky and hit us. It was tough. There was one time I just got out of the shower and they started hitting. I ran out and jumped in the bunker. I did have my pants on but not much else. As the mortars were crashing around I could hear. "doc, where the hell are you?" Sgt. Cherry was running around looking for me with my body armor in hand and mortars dropping around us. I would like you folks to drop him an email to thank him for looking out for me. When things got rough I would hear, " I got to get you home to your wife." This is a guy who had 2 missions. 1 to get home to his mother and son 2. to make certain I got home to my family. This guy is really something special and looked after me. kurtis.cherry@us.army.mil He's stuck here for the year and it's going to be tough leaving him. He can expect some care packages from Nashville over the next year. I have several other fairly hairy moments where I was on a convoy lost in the city of Baqubah and once we thought the base was being over run. Some pretty scary moments. I'll tell more about them at some other time. Now, I'm safe and sound. I'm unwinding a bit. I'm still a bit jumpy. Mainly with low frequency noises. A dropped helmet has just such a tone. I don't dive under the desk but it'll get my attention. So that's it. I didn't like lying but I didn't have a choice. I did vent to some friends outside of Tennessee so it wouldn't get back to Julia and mom.

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             Capt. John Jackson, Iraq

I'm still playing in the sandbox. Unfortunately, I think someone has a cat near this one. I have been working on my move but not dice yet. It should be pretty soon though. It rained here today. Yes that's right, rain. As it started, I thought, Man this will cut down on the dust. Well I was right. Now no dust, just shitloads of mud. We look like we just got back from Woodstock. The shitty one not the one in the 60's. It's pretty sticky too. You'll be walking and your boots start getting really heavy. As the sticky mud is grabbing gravel from the roads. So I'm about 3 inches taller now and 30 pounds heavier.

We are having trouble with our food supplies. Now don't worry we won't be starving here but the food may take a down turn. I think you all know what that means. Soon they will be serving the mud from outside (with gravel). I'm sure they will just hide it in some of that brown gravy and we'll never know the difference. Well it couldn't be worse then the meat roll. Actually, we will just have to supplement one meal with MRE's. (meals ready to eat for you civilians) I'm not sure how they came up with that name. It's neither a meal nor is it fit to eat. I suspect it's psychological warfare. Ah yes the MRE. As I said before, it's the Army's cure for diarrhea. Don't have diarrhea? Well its cured anyway. Soon diarrhea will be eliminated from the world altogether. It will be a historical disease like small pox. Well this will add so much time to my day.

I'm going to follow up this email with a picture. As before, those of you without storage space will not get it. However, I must warn those who do. It is a gruesome image. I am posing with the box. Well not, THE box of the other base but one very similar. Now as you gaze upon this with horror please keep in mind that this one was actually nicer then the one at the other base. I kid you not. You might also notice sunlight from under the lid. This is truly a terrifying experience. If you could imaging, oh I don't know, every fly you have ever seen, crammed inside with you. Then and only then, can you begin to understand the horrors of war.

Well business has been steady. 1-2 traumas per week and some walk-ins. I love the routine walk-in. The traumas are awful. I can't talk too much about them on line but trust me, awful. I get a sick feeling in my gut when I'm notified that I have a mission. Each one takes me a couple of days to recoup. That's why I haven't been emailing as much. I'm usually just emotionally drained. I have been getting all of your emails and love to read them. Please don't get your feelings hurt when it takes a bit for me to respond or sometimes not at all. I do appreciate them and love hearing from you. I'm just too tired some days. With this being said, its been quite over the past couple of days so I'm resting and rebounding a bit. In case you couldn't tell by the bathroom humor. I'm going to try to get caught up with some of the emails you've sent.

In the picture you may notice I've lost a bit of weight. Don't worry its all on purpose. I've been eating, as bad as it is, as much as I usually do. I've been busting my ass in the gym. I do a shit load of cardio every day and lift with Cherry 4-5 days a week. I tell you what. The Army has a lot of down falls but exercise equipment isn't one of them. They have set up a really nice gym here. In fact its the nicest building on post. It's air conditioned and clean. Perhaps the only thing I can't think of one bitch about. I'll keep working on it though. I'm sure there is something that needs some complaining there.

Well folks look for the pic of me and the shit can.

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             Jen Richardson’s birthday party was a blast. All the hipsters from Cookeville were there as well as a surprise visit from CIA music. JEN played a solo folk show to start the evening, and then BLACKTOP JUNE tore into the situation. Tony Baloney was no phony pounding it out for his old crony - the Bee Keeper. The Bee Keeper showed up early, he was check for weapons, cleared and ordered to drink. A showing by reps from the IWF wrestling also made the scene and I can report no casualties as a result of their presence.

The Beekeeper and I went on a raid at an Atlanta bachelor party for Josh Wright – outstanding. The party was held at the ghetto home of Zack our soundman an musical genius. The evening began with drinking, smoking and a major drug bust across the street, “come out with your hands up”, boom for real.

In the course of the evening I was able to confirm some rumors. NOISUFUSION really and truly has an album coming out. Jeremy Averitt is currently editing the music - he will not settle for mediocrity. The big surprise, FIST FULL OF CROWS will have their an unexpected album ready in a week’s time. I had a listen to a work tape and I promise you satisfaction will be had.

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             The party has begun and sketchy charicters are starting to show up - Paul Sharp and his body guard showed up. I've recieved a Nashville Sucks IWF rules shirt - sounds like a match challenge to me. Matt (or Brack if your with the Fright Factory Crew) has dragged his ass up to my house and has the balls to show me he's cut off his long hair. Here is Brack now:

what up..shanksteak locked up diving sideways into the horizontal.

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             Went into the big smokey (Christchurch) last night to see Steve Earle at the Civic. Instead was treated to an angry mob & police lined up to prevent entry. Seems they'd oversold the show by 500 odd tickets.



My tickets were comps, so we just went round the corner to the boozer. You get what you pay for, in my case. Jim will be disappointed cause he wanted a picture of Steve with a poster & a quote, something like: "Well butter my butt & call me a bisquit, the country music bidness wouldn't be shit without posters!"

Sorry Jimmy.

Went to Adam's wedding & (sorry ladies) he's been officially taken off the market by our loverly sister-in-law Rochelle (who say's I'm her favorite (if only) brohter-in-law.


^ note the matching flower/hair combination - very nice! v




Got to meet Dave Gibson of the Gibson Group who produced the kiwi film: The Irrefutable Truth About Demons. He was helpful & interested. His date, the lovely Rachel Bullock (Adam's boss) had seen the preview copy & was gushing compliments, so that can't hurt.

Really cool Tribute to Johnny Cash done with Monkeys! has disappeared, but may be up again soon.

http://www.apsv04.dsl.pipex.com/desperado.swf

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             Capt John Jackson, Iraq

Well I was at the gym today and we have a couple of folks here from Georgia. That's the country not the peach tree state. Anyway, they had set up some mats and were doing some sort of judo or kung fu but they were really kicking the shit out of one another. I was on the tread mill chuckling to myself thinking, who would want to do that? The next thing you know several of our troops were lining up to get a chance to both kick the shit out of and get the shit kicked out of themselves. It may sound funny but I was kind of proud of them. It is a strange thing to be proud of kids for being a bunch of rough necks but I was. There were moments of international bonding over this. They were all kicking the shit out of one another but loving it and shaking hands at the end of it. We don't have a lot of friends left in this world and we need to cherish the ones we have. This was a nice moment aside from all of the ass kicking. You must know that our kids over here are really special. As I get to know them, I am amazed at the things they do. The job that is asked of some makes me want to cry for them. I don't know how they do it. They go out every day and do things that would make most of us piss in our pants thinking about. It takes so much strength and they receive so little thanks. Oh I need to be careful way up here on this soap box but I am really impressed.

Well I got a hair cut about 20 minutes ago. I think it will be my last one for a while. I want it to grow out before I get back to work. I don't want my patients to feel like they are seeing a drill sergeant as a doc. "Oooh, so you wet the bed at night, huh? Do you miss your mommy? Maybe 50 push-ups might bring you some comfort." See probably won't fly very well. I had to get one of my friends to do it as Hussein no longer cuts hair here. I've heard that the folks in town make life pretty miserable on anyone that works on base. We lose a lot of help because of it. Hopefully he'll be able to come back.

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             International Wresting Federation of TN
Paul Sharp has issed the new IWF wresting schedual. The big news is the crew will be kicking some ass at the Putnam County Fair. It promises to be the best show ever and I intend to bear witness to the slaughter. This years head busters will be Gray Stone, Daddy Mac, Big Papa, Xander Blaze, Kit. Bad Company with leggy sex goddesses Athena & Dark Angle keeping the crowed in line. Live free or die!

WWW.IWF-TN.COM

LIST OF SHOW DATES FOR 2004

Note: Due to Military maneuvers and deployment Cookeville dates may change as we relocate to another venue
THE BIG SHOW: August 11th is Putnam County Fair - Admission to the Fair is $ 2.00 admission to the wrestling show is free with paid fair admission
April 24 - Livingston, TN, Joe L Evans Community Center
May 1 - Celina, Senior Center
May 8- Cookeville, TN National Guard Armory
May 22 - Livingston, Tn, Joe L Evans Community Center
June 5 - Celina, Senior Center
June 19 - Cookeville, TN National Guard Armory
June 26 - Livingston, Tn, Joe L Evans Community Center
July 10 - Celina, Senior Center
Ju ly 17 - Cookeville, TN - National Guard Armory
July 31 - Livingston, Tn, Joe L Evans Community Center
August 7 - Celina
August 11th is Putnam County Fair - THE BIG SHOW: Admission to the Fair is $ 2.00 admission to the wrestling show is free with paid fair admission
Sept 4 - Celina, , Senior Center Aftermath
Sept 11 - Cookeville, National Guard Armory
Sept 25 - Livingston, Tn, Joe L Evans Community Center
October 2 - Celina, Senior Center
October 23 - Livingston, Tn, Joe L Evans Community Center
November 6 - Celina, Senior Center
November 20 - Livingston, Tn, Joe L Evans Community Center
Dec 4th - Celina, Senior Center
Dec 11th ( Tenative ) Toys For Tots Show in Cookeville

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             I hope ya’ll are enjoying the adventures of Capt John Jackson. I’m sorry he can’t tell us the good stuff – yet. There is a movie in his toilet humor.

I’ve returned from hanging with my beloved Drew Univ pals at the Fools Fest Ultimate Tournament. My close pal Lizard agreed to pass a copy of the Legend of Crazy George to George Romero who did Night of the Living Dead. I’m asking him to watch it in payback for the sleepless nights I had as a result of the Dead. Zombies! Zombies! Die Zombie Scum.

Jen Richardson’s new band “Blacktop June” has been rehearsing intensely and will be doing a test performance at a party at my house. Cast and Crew are invited to attend on April 16, nighttime. There will be no survivors. Call me for directions and details if you need them. “Blacktop June” has Tony Bradford from Joshua Faulken Trio playing Drums, Kevin Lavellett from the original Hosemobile playing bass, The mysterious Dave Foster plays lead guitar, and the wild and crazy Megan Gerberding wails away as backup singer, back up drummer, and mystic piano. Blacktop June will be coming to bars near you soon. So catch them wild and free when you come to see me.

I helped Cris Vanling with his evolving shot film about some pissed of Elves kicking the ass of some humans. The Elves in list the help of some samurai warriors and a medieval Scots man who’s big enough to crush your head like a mush melon – yes some real ass kicking here. The original script called for a pistol and a short sword. Now they’ve got two medieval broad swords, 2 samurai sword, 2 samurai short swords, a whip, 2 mystery weapons, a pistol all aimed against the smile of a beautiful elf. Will love and compassion prevail over wanton violence – lets hope not.

Shayn Edwards will be showing a short film Knight Blade at the Cookeville Drama Center on Saturday May 1,2004 at 7PM. Call the Drama center for advance tickets and details. I’d list Shayn’s private phone be he tends to get staked by crazy women, fuck his number is (931) 260-7686 – don’t fear the casting couch.

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             Capt John Jackson, Iraq

I had to go out of the wire again last week. Holy shit it was the worst base in the middle east. I think the enemy has better conditions. They, of course had piss tubes, but they also had the piss tubes cousin. The wooden box with a hole over a bucket. Ah yes, for all the convenience of the piss tube, the box, not so nice. The good thing about the box is the cardio workout that you get. You see, every fly in Iraq, lives in the bucket and his life long dream is to land on your ass while you enjoy the box. If you've ever watched a horse twitching muscles to get the flies off, you understand. I now feel that evolution has robbed us of the tail. It may have not been so unnecessary after all. Oh man, what I would have given for a blue water splash back in lieu of the box.

I guess you folks have been watching the news. Well for all the bad stuff you see there, the Iraqi news is only reporting the civilian losses. This is making the folks here are not quite as friendly. Some of the kids are still excited to see us but a fair number have began to throw rocks and give us the finger. Now I know how Dr. Phil feels. It appears to be settling down now, though. I hope it last. Well folks thanks for listening.

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             Capt John Jackson, Iraq
...Speaking of the heat... Daily its in the nineties. We have to wear our vest (Ballistic body armor for you military types) anytime we are outside. So once again, it feels like that is in centigrade. The body army is interesting. It feels like wearing a girdle (Ok everyone who just thought "how does he know what a girdle feels like?" shut the hell up) anyway, a girdle with a ceramic plate for the front and the back. bringing the total weight to around 40 pounds. (that's 18.181818181818 Kg for those of you following in metric) It isn't that much... in the morning anyway. I'm going to ask to keep it and to wear as a fashion statement. Well they tell me that the ceramic plates will stop an AK47 round. Ha, Ha, I find this very interesting indeed, however, I don't plan to have the need to stop an AK47 round. The person in front of me may need that but not me. I might need something to cover my ankles as I'm diving behind that person but not so high. Actually, there really isn't much need for them inside the wire. However, this is the truth, the command wants it for uniformity. I won't go into detail of my love of this rule. Well we don't want anyone looking different or being cool and comfortable.
You will see in the following pictures, the toughest shrink in country. Please note the vest, that only weighs 18.1818kg, Mr. Frisky (sitting comfortably on my thigh), and his older brother, Mr. Cranky. Mr. Cranky is a loner from the head quarters but looking rather swank I think. He certainly rounds out the toughest shrink thing, so he's a keeper. I really have to say, next to me, Freud is a school girl and if he has anything phallic to say about my guns...well I'll just have to kick his mother loving ass. Now that I have a rifle I can give him a proper buttstroke. (and not the good kind) I personally don't think a cigar can ever be just a cigar. I think it is an extention of his father's penis. Ha, Freud, what are you going to do about that, you punk. Ah yes, that's what the army has done for me...trashing the founders of my profession. Oh hell, its probably just the 18.181818kg and 90 deg centigrade talking.
You may wonder what the sign I'm under says in Arabic. I got it translated. Its Welcome to Soddom-land It was one of his amusement parks. Where you could ride The mind scrambler, 20,000 leagues under the sand, It's a Small War Crime, and Eastern Airlines' The People Immobilizer. All 4 ticket rides by the way. It was pretty nice but the cost of refreshments would kill you. The arrow sign to the right of me says, American Bad Ass.

I've told you that the locals come on base to sell their wares. Well they also come on to cut hair. I got an Iraqi hair cut today. My friend Hessian cut it. He didn't speak much english but a really pleasant fellow. He said he'd like to come to America. I agreed and said, "me too". He asked if I wanted "skin" on the sides. I said, "no leave a little, I don't want to look crazy." Oops too late. So he smiled and said, "I'll give you the Iraqi". I told him that was great just don't give me the Michael Jordan. Judging by his laughter, I think he knows who Jordan is. So he thanked me for getting rid of Soddom. I didn't have the heart to tell him that wasn't me. Hell, I didn't even know where he was hiding. Even worse, up to me, we probably wouldn't even be here. Well I didn't know how to tell him all of this so I just said, "Shokrim" (Show-krum) It's my first Iraqi word. It means, stick it up your ass. Oh wait, no it means thank you. Well, Hessian loved this. He went on in Arabic. No, no Hessian, that's it my friend. So he taught me, hello. Salam Malik. If I remember right. A really nice dude. If I get the chance I'm going to bring some tea over. I'll work on his English and he can work on my Arabic. Tea appears to be a drink of friendship here. He broke out the strait razor and was going to shave my neck. I stopped him. He initially looked a little hurt but I explained that "its the other soldiers" He nodded and put it away. Last thing I need is a little hepatitis C from a strait razor. I'm going to get someone who speaks better Arabic to get him to leave that at home. I'm sure he didn't understand that completely but its too important...

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             Capt John Jackson, Iraq

I guess most of you have been watching the news recently. I'm really not anywhere near all of the problems so don't worry. Like I said, its been pretty quite here. It appears to be mostly in Falluha, Baghdad, and south. We here in the country like to keep it peaceful. Well except for the beer drinking redneck brawls. Otherwise, no problems. The terrorist know to keep their distance from me, Mr. Frisky, and most notably Mr. Cranky. I prevented any problems by going into town the first day. I went down the street yelling, "I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum....and I'm all out of bubble gum". Ah la Rowdey Roddy Piper. I think that got my message across.

Oh another good thing is coming out of my down time. When I'm hanging out in the trailer park I've been working on spinning Frisky. It kind of adds to my mystique, of the crazy, redneck, violence threatening, bubble gum chewing, shrink. On any given day you can be walking through the mini trailer park and come across me sitting out front, drinking near beer, and spinning my 9mm like I'm Wyatt Erp. Another unrelated thing is I think some folks are avoiding me. I guess they're just not too social. I mean I'm dying to show them my technique of the spin right into the holster. I've been working on this so when I have to shoot one of the cooks, in self defense, I can blow the smoke off the barrel and spin Mr. Frisky into my holster. That way the next cook will know I mean business. I'm going to have to do something to get them to stop serving me hooves in brown gravy. Oh, hell I almost forgot. The other day they had Meat Rolls. I swear that's what the sign said, Meat Rolls. So, much like a bad auto accident on the highway, I was intrigued. I was thinking, what did they wrap the meat around and what kind of meat is it? Of course I grabbed one. So I cut it in half. You'll never guess what it wrapped around....Give up? Well, nothing. It was just meat (unknown origin) wrapped into spheres. There is the possibility that they felt that since it had so much fat and tendon that it could be the inner delicious part. This almost, I say almost, had me going Wyatt Erp on their asses.

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             So McCaleb is away to Adam Brookfield's wedding on the 9th of April in Nelson, and a couple of well-deserved rest days in Takaka.

Monkey has some exciting news on his exploits in Washington, D.C. that I'm sure you'll want to tune in for in my absence.

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             So D.T. gave a copy of LoCG to the Camera Operator of LoTR which is cool.

D.T. called last night to tell me he was "blown away"

gulp

"Well it's about fucking time!" said I.

I also spoke with my mate Tulia yesterday who is a fashion designer for Zambesi in Auckland. She went to Peter Jackson's house & dressed he & Fran for the Oscars. - she was my wife's fashion consultant for our wedding.

anyway, my new goal is for Peter to see the movie, cause I reckon it's right up his alley. & cause he made the best movie I've ever seen.

and I want to see Hazard County with my own eyes

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